I Want to Be a Soap Opera Character

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Back in the prehistoric days of the 80s and 90s, I used to be a soap junkie and regularly watched All My Children and Dynasty. It wasn’t hard being a soap junkie because there was nothing else to watch.

When I was a teen, I had ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS and a local channel…a far cry from the 300 channels I now have.

Our local satellite dish picks up Soapnet, which has 24 hours of non-stop bed hopping.

It’s good to know soaps are still on with a new generation of fans. On occasion, I watch Soapnet to catch up on old episodes of Beverly Hills 90210. It’s interesting to see Jason Priestly and Luke Perry in their heyday.

Real soap fans watch these programs to get away from their own mundane lives.

We cook dinner, go to work, pay bills and then rinse and repeat the next day.

Let’s face it; we hardly live the lives of soap characters like Dashing Dan or Julie Sweetcheeks (the stereotype soap couple).

I often wonder how interesting it would be to live in the soap world. If you are wondering the same thing, I have compiled a list of perks associated with being a soap opera character:

• Soap characters don’t work and if they do, they are either an attorney or a doctor. How come soap characters never have real jobs like flipping burgers? Imagine Dashing Dan telling Julie Sweetcheeks, “Honey, I would like to stay and make love but I have to get to my pizza delivery job.”

• Soap characters always wake up without bad breath and their hair is always in place. You know they don’t have bad breath because you will see Dan and Julie engage in early morning torrid kisses before brushing their teeth.

• Soap characters don’t use the bathroom. When was the last time you can remember your favorite soap character peeing or doing a number two? It would be interesting to hear Julie Sweetcheeks bash Dashing Dan because he either left the toilet seat down or didn’t use air freshener.

• Soap characters don’t pay for anything or wait in line. Whenever they go to the store or a local coffee shop, they often leave without paying; and if they do pay, they never wait around for their change.

• Soap characters drink but don’t eat. Whenever they have dinner or eat in a restaurant, you won’t see them pick up a spoon or a fork but they won’t hesitate to pick up a drink…especially alcohol.

• Every soap character must have a relative that is either a surgeon or works in a hospital. Ever notice how many of the day soaps have story lines in a hospital? How many of us ever go to the hospital unless someone is either sick or dying? Ask yourself how many surgeons you know on a first name basis.

• Every soap character must have a long lost brother, child, sister or parent. When was the last time someone knocked on your door claiming to be a relative? Unless you won the lottery, no one is claiming to be your long lost dad.

Finally, soap characters never seem to contract any sexually transmitted diseases. How is that so many people can have so many different partners and never catch anything? Try that in your own life and see what happens.

So know you know why soap characters are so popular. They live in a dream world where everyone has a great job, looks good, has great hair and gets lots of sex and romance. Speaking of sex, no one in the soap world needs Viagra either.

Life is good for Julie Sweetcheeks and Dashing Dan.

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